I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
