i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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