just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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