she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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