I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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