ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
