i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
