that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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