party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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