At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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