I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
