Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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