my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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