im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
