I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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