Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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