The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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