You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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