I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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