She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
