matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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