do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
