Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
