So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
