I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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