This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
