There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I met the friendliest cop last night
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
