my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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