I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
