I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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