does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
