I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
