if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
