yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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