that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
