Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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