Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
