fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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