could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
In America we eat man semen.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
