nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
