hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize
