i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
