I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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