Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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