I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
