I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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