This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
did i just pee glitter
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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