Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
