Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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