I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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