Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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