When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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