I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
this boner is exhausting
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
