I think my vagina is haunted
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
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