Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I think i got beer on your cat.
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