Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
