Soap is not a condiment
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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