Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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